6th August 2020 – Day 62

Why is tapering such a difficult thing to do? A question that only people who have been through it themselves can truly answer. One is sick and tired of other people claiming that tapering from an opioid is “surely not as difficult due to the fact you are still getting some”. Getting some what? Some of the gorgeously wonderful relief that takes all the pain away for a short period of time? Just because one has dropped from 140ml Oramorph per day to 20ml does not mean that my receptors are getting what they need. Each day is a fighting battle of wits, intelligence and down right pain just to stop the physical body over-ruling ones determination to get clean…. yet unfortunately today a sense of failure is looming heavily over my senses. The need to reach for the cold smooth bronze bottle containing the nectar of my joy is the strongest it has been since Day’s five to twenty…… one can see it from the corner of my eye even as these words are written.

The cause of these feelings today must be indicative of the coping strategies in place being put under pressure by the stress of work today….. which all began with the breaking of a cooling fan that one needs in an extremely humid office with no air flow…. but when the heat is coupled with the sweats and chills associated with withdrawals it made for a less than perfect beginning. Are my employers concerned for ones well being? Allow me to raise an eyebrow as a response to that. Obviously one has grown accustom to this practice from management so surely that cannot be the cause of this growing need to give in. Having had to spend a lunch break alone – one is always best left alone during these times – the feelings of need and wantonness were growing gradually stronger instead of diminishing. Day 62 should, in no way, shape or form, be this difficult – especially as the next tapering drop is a few days hence. Oh, one should indicate at this early stage that one has a tendency to be overly critical of oneself and demand more of oneself than any other being on this little blue and green orb – and one is sure this is a trait held by all other persons suffering from mental health issues.

A light-bulb has just lit up as these words have been typed. Some say that if an addict is to be successful in their journey then they need one person to confide in, an individual that knows “what it is like”. Unfortunately one does not have this luxury…. of course there are two close friends who are marvellous and allow one to express feelings whenever the mood appears, but they “do not know”. They have never been addicted to anything, plus one has problems trusting how much of the real self is revealed to others especially as all of us have our own personal issues to manage on a daily.

Having said all of that, and the fact one had promised to be truthful and honest on this blog, there is an individual in ones working life that is currently not available for contact. Is it possible that this removal from my life, albeit temporary, is the cause of my weakness today? Has one become, subconsciously, more reliant on seeing this individual and now they are not present the coping strategies are weakening? This thought is frightening ….. it has given a knot in the abdomen….. this is not an occurrence one needs at this time. Ones mind is already at maximum capacity keeping other beings at arms-length so they do not get caught in the tendrils of ones “fucked up” brain.

The dawning of this revelation needs to be ignored, pushed back into the darkness of the cupboard that is room 101. Yes…… that is obviously what is needed…..one is British …. we are to disperse of emotions that allow others to see weakness or vulnerability.

13th August 2020: Day 69

Something which one has not spoken of so far on this page of secrets is the effect which “withdrawing” has been having on ones’ depression. Have the past sixty nine days not effected not a single part of ones’ mental health? Of course they have yet surprisingly not in such a negative manner as initially inclined to believe….. well…… not until today that is.

Being a forty something childless female living in the current society of this little green and blue orb is difficult at times but couple this with an individual who trusts rarely, analyses everything about themselves, including conversations, and has a somewhat inbred tendency to withdraw immediately at the first sign that they are getting “close” to another…… and you may begin to understand what one goes through in “normal” life. Yet this is not a “normal” time. This morrow one had an overwhelming feeling of guilt regarding an action from the previous evening. At the time of the action doubts were present and yet ignored. One has always followed “gut instinct”, which has served quiet nicely over the years, but on the advice of the psychiatrist one has been advised to challenge “gut instinct” and brave the new world of stepping outside ones boundaries. Hence a text was sent last eve that the gut said “don’t do it….. you’re intruding into their personal time”, whilst the section of the brain that always desires to do as one is instructed by Professionals recklessly tapped out “send it….. you’ve nothing to lose…..if they are busy then they won’t reply…. don’t worry about it”. Now obviously the person did reply, to which another response from oneself was sent…. then no response. And that, my friends, is all that it took for my depression to be affected for the debut time. Something so simple, so normal for most other individuals, has now led to remorseful feelings, admonishment and a removal of oneself from the aforementioned texted. One even convinced oneself that the texted had purposely ignored ones presence when we met…… although one is still eighty percent positive that they did…..even after just writing about it.

Why the fuck, you may ask, is a grown adult reacting this way? That is part of the depression – incomprehensible thoughts brought about from a negative reaction to something mundane. If truthful had the texted been someone different, someone who one had solid strong emotions for, IE the friendship was clear and established, then one truly believes the mental health would not have been affected as such. The issue that resides is that one was beginning to trust the texted; a reliance had began and there was a wantonness for development of the friendship further….. yet there was the constant wariness that this individual has their own issues and there was no way on this earth that one would want to mess up their life with ones own problems.

Hence……. back one retreats into her usual status of lonesomeness and self preservation. How can another being be in a friendship, or relationship, with oneself when there are so many psychotic tendencies floating around ones aura? All that is wanted is for someone to “get me for me” and allow all the temperaments to merge. I am not a bad person………..