Why is tapering such a difficult thing to do? A question that only people who have been through it themselves can truly answer. One is sick and tired of other people claiming that tapering from an opioid is “surely not as difficult due to the fact you are still getting some”. Getting some what? Some of the gorgeously wonderful relief that takes all the pain away for a short period of time? Just because one has dropped from 140ml Oramorph per day to 20ml does not mean that my receptors are getting what they need. Each day is a fighting battle of wits, intelligence and down right pain just to stop the physical body over-ruling ones determination to get clean…. yet unfortunately today a sense of failure is looming heavily over my senses. The need to reach for the cold smooth bronze bottle containing the nectar of my joy is the strongest it has been since Day’s five to twenty…… one can see it from the corner of my eye even as these words are written.
The cause of these feelings today must be indicative of the coping strategies in place being put under pressure by the stress of work today….. which all began with the breaking of a cooling fan that one needs in an extremely humid office with no air flow…. but when the heat is coupled with the sweats and chills associated with withdrawals it made for a less than perfect beginning. Are my employers concerned for ones well being? Allow me to raise an eyebrow as a response to that. Obviously one has grown accustom to this practice from management so surely that cannot be the cause of this growing need to give in. Having had to spend a lunch break alone – one is always best left alone during these times – the feelings of need and wantonness were growing gradually stronger instead of diminishing. Day 62 should, in no way, shape or form, be this difficult – especially as the next tapering drop is a few days hence. Oh, one should indicate at this early stage that one has a tendency to be overly critical of oneself and demand more of oneself than any other being on this little blue and green orb – and one is sure this is a trait held by all other persons suffering from mental health issues.
A light-bulb has just lit up as these words have been typed. Some say that if an addict is to be successful in their journey then they need one person to confide in, an individual that knows “what it is like”. Unfortunately one does not have this luxury…. of course there are two close friends who are marvellous and allow one to express feelings whenever the mood appears, but they “do not know”. They have never been addicted to anything, plus one has problems trusting how much of the real self is revealed to others especially as all of us have our own personal issues to manage on a daily.
Having said all of that, and the fact one had promised to be truthful and honest on this blog, there is an individual in ones working life that is currently not available for contact. Is it possible that this removal from my life, albeit temporary, is the cause of my weakness today? Has one become, subconsciously, more reliant on seeing this individual and now they are not present the coping strategies are weakening? This thought is frightening ….. it has given a knot in the abdomen….. this is not an occurrence one needs at this time. Ones mind is already at maximum capacity keeping other beings at arms-length so they do not get caught in the tendrils of ones “fucked up” brain.
The dawning of this revelation needs to be ignored, pushed back into the darkness of the cupboard that is room 101. Yes…… that is obviously what is needed…..one is British …. we are to disperse of emotions that allow others to see weakness or vulnerability.