13th August 2020: Day 69

Something which one has not spoken of so far on this page of secrets is the effect which “withdrawing” has been having on ones’ depression. Have the past sixty nine days not effected not a single part of ones’ mental health? Of course they have yet surprisingly not in such a negative manner as initially inclined to believe….. well…… not until today that is.

Being a forty something childless female living in the current society of this little green and blue orb is difficult at times but couple this with an individual who trusts rarely, analyses everything about themselves, including conversations, and has a somewhat inbred tendency to withdraw immediately at the first sign that they are getting “close” to another…… and you may begin to understand what one goes through in “normal” life. Yet this is not a “normal” time. This morrow one had an overwhelming feeling of guilt regarding an action from the previous evening. At the time of the action doubts were present and yet ignored. One has always followed “gut instinct”, which has served quiet nicely over the years, but on the advice of the psychiatrist one has been advised to challenge “gut instinct” and brave the new world of stepping outside ones boundaries. Hence a text was sent last eve that the gut said “don’t do it….. you’re intruding into their personal time”, whilst the section of the brain that always desires to do as one is instructed by Professionals recklessly tapped out “send it….. you’ve nothing to lose…..if they are busy then they won’t reply…. don’t worry about it”. Now obviously the person did reply, to which another response from oneself was sent…. then no response. And that, my friends, is all that it took for my depression to be affected for the debut time. Something so simple, so normal for most other individuals, has now led to remorseful feelings, admonishment and a removal of oneself from the aforementioned texted. One even convinced oneself that the texted had purposely ignored ones presence when we met…… although one is still eighty percent positive that they did…..even after just writing about it.

Why the fuck, you may ask, is a grown adult reacting this way? That is part of the depression – incomprehensible thoughts brought about from a negative reaction to something mundane. If truthful had the texted been someone different, someone who one had solid strong emotions for, IE the friendship was clear and established, then one truly believes the mental health would not have been affected as such. The issue that resides is that one was beginning to trust the texted; a reliance had began and there was a wantonness for development of the friendship further….. yet there was the constant wariness that this individual has their own issues and there was no way on this earth that one would want to mess up their life with ones own problems.

Hence……. back one retreats into her usual status of lonesomeness and self preservation. How can another being be in a friendship, or relationship, with oneself when there are so many psychotic tendencies floating around ones aura? All that is wanted is for someone to “get me for me” and allow all the temperaments to merge. I am not a bad person………..

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