Anti-De & Uncle Opi….. a personal journey of a clinically depressed opioid addict fighting their way back to life.
Why, you may ask, is this web page here? What is the point of reading this? To be truthful one really could not care less if any individual reads this as the focal point of creating this website is for the sole purpose of documenting my journey to recovery – and a way to “de-fook” my brain when times are difficult. Obviously if my thoughts and feelings aides at least one other person then that would be an additional bonus.
Do you want to know?
4th August 2020: So…. who am I ? Well let one start with the cliche “who is any one?” We are all minor individuals attempting to make their own way in this world. But to be less facetious allow me to introduce ones-self …. female, 42, with a penchant for speaking in the third person. Having been on anti-depressants for twenty years, coupled up with an addiction to prescription Oramorph for ten years, ensures that the time has now arrived in ones life to get “clean” and start fighting with, or maybe finding again, the real me. Today is day sixty on the journey ….. let us see what occurs from now on shall we??
Hot in the City
11th August 2020: Day 67 – the aim of this site was inititally as an outlet for my fears, truths and honesty’s”….. and yet one has not written for five long days. One must endeavour to become the obsessive freak whose tendencies have led to the current situation. The truth be told, the five days of past have been a combination of shame, hatred, loneliness and self examination. There were moments of smiles and even a soupcon of laughter – an extreme rarity when one is present at home – yet truthfully the majority of ones time was engaged in the issue of my so-called possible “reliance” on another person – who ones previous post revealed to. Does this reliance truthfully exist or is it nothing more than the dawning of realisation that there may be another human being that actually “understands” more than one ever thought possible? Either way the feelings that this question has had to withstand for the past five days has not eased the burden one feels. Automatic reaction was to ignore and withdraw….. possibly leading to the “slip” on Thursday where my weakness overcame all things and a dose of triple amount passed so easily over my lips. The pure pleasure and goodness of feeling was immense, and for two hours ones’ mind was quieted and all was serene. Bliss personified. But as any addict will share, the bliss ended and the over wrenching feelings of guilt and down right putrid self revulsion soon began. It was at this time that the realisation of the fact that the one person that was needed, and the only one one was willing to open up to, was the person who was un-contactable.
One has never had a connection with another being similar to what one is feeling now. Is this what has been missing all these years? Is this what other beings have on a normal everyday basis, and it is absolutely normal for one being to find another being that they can truly and honestly be themselves around? And no….. one is not referring to the basal human desire of “sex”…… this is something else. This is a sense of trust and non-judgement from one individual to another. Does one continue on down this unknown path or retreat hastily back to the rocky outcrop of loneliness and distrust? Fuck knows!